Just wanted to say that…
I love you so much.
This past Cancer full moon was pretty intense for me and I just want to share with you what’s going on in my heart…
I feel so much is happening for us towards our new paths, new beginnings and new realizations.
Just remember to begin anew is to recognize the truth in the here and now.
The past only matters to allow us to go to the root, yet ultimately, the past does not exist and neither does the future.
The past and future are not here with you in the present, unless you bring them into this moment with you.
Therefore, it is your choice what you bring with you into the present moment.
So remember that as so much is happening and changing right now and even if you come through such dark places…
Know that each moment is truly a new beginning and the opportunity to create the new.
I’m shooting the next video for you in the morning (got it all ready today) and it’s pretty juicy because it’s all mostly demonstration and nervous system work in action.
The title is called: 11 ways to self regulate if you’re stressed, triggered, overwhelmed, angry, hurting, anxious, numb, stuck, disconnected or feel unsafe…
Excited to share with you.
For now, I rest in the bathtub as I write this to you.
Today has been a difficult day for me…
I’ve been moving through very intense truths around no longer begging to be loved as I am.
I’ve had a severe headache and body aches all day and I’m not even sick with a cold or fever.
Yet it feels like purge.
It feels like a mega trauma release as I face deeper truth in my own bones and physical body and how I must take responsibility and progress forward.
Learning I can commit to people but not make up for their lack of commitment to me.
I can love people but not fill the hole of their lack of love for me.
That I can trust people, yet not ever in the place where I forget or doubt myself.
In fact, I’m feeling the only person I need to trust is myself right now.
And yet I can’t trust myself until I take accountability.
So today I cried.
I held my own heart and I held my own soul and body and wept for hours as Bella slept.
God is softening my heart even more and de-armoring me.
So many tears.
In this message I just want you to know that I’m not ever going to hide my ugly.
I’ll dance in the light. Dance when it’s dark.
And I am able to love you deeper as I fully learn to love myself.
And I’m sorry for everyone that I have ever hurt because I was scared and hurting myself….
I want to love by leading by example.
I remember when I was a little girl, I used to write these little folded-up notes to God and “fly” them out of my window…
I wanted to know God and know I was his (my Mother was not religious by any means).
Yet this was many of my prayers.
Even at just seven years old, I knew this.
That I would be able to lead this world through knowing love was the answer, yet not because I was ignoring my shadow.
I used to talk to adults and they would come to see me.
I would easily be able to share with them what was on their heart even when they said they didn’t know the answer.
I remember this one woman crying and hugging me, almost crushing me against her boobs and chest hysterical after we talked once.
I remember asking my Mom why some people were so surprised with the truth that they already knew inside them?
My Mom said, “don’t worry, just focus on you and trust what you see and feel… not everyone knows their own heart from their mind.”
That always stuck with me…
And yet, here I am. Fully grown with my own child.
And I feel so lost in some moments these days trusting my own sight and knowing sometimes.
I see the world in such a spell, divided, inverted, being harvested, and blind.
It makes me really sad.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be the example of love and to be able to show others how loved and cherished they are.
How magical they really are when they are willing to see their own.
Yet here I am with Bella’s father fighting the good fight, yet only after forgetting that I’m supposed to always first love and cherish me.
Even when others do not or cannot.
And it got me rolling on other things.
That my Mom is sick and she needs very serious surgery. Please pray for her.
That my young sister is debating an abortion over adoption and it f%%% breaks my heart.
I miss my family growing up. The way things used to be.
I miss the wholeness of family.
I miss never truly knowing my father yet always thinking one day I would.
I miss feeling really taken care of by someone who really loves me (like myself as a little girl).
And after all, I’ve been through the past 10 years…
It feels the closer I get to God, the more psychological and spiritual warfare I am to face in the physical world.
Yes, it’s all showing me “real” strength.
And this means to own all of me standing here naked in front of you with my real (even just passing, momentary) feelings.
Yes, I feel sharing our “weight” with each other without the toxicity is a real gift.
Even owning my mother wounds in the darkest of nights as I let in my own love and hold me.
Learning to fully open in the dark.
I know it’s been hard.
Just know I am feeling you.
Please know I love you so much!
I pray God may hold the hearts of you and me.
May grace carry you and me through this moment.
Again and again.
As we begin anew.
I love you.