deep sorrow

Hi love…

Just wanted to say that…

I love you so much.

This past Cancer full moon was pretty intense for me and I just want to share with you what’s going on in my heart…

I feel so much is happening for us towards our new paths, new beginnings and new realizations.

Just remember to begin anew is to recognize the truth in the here and now.

The past only matters to allow us to go to the root, yet ultimately, the past does not exist and neither does the future.

The past and future are not here with you in the present, unless you bring them into this moment with you.

Therefore, it is your choice what you bring with you into the present moment.

So remember that as so much is happening and changing right now and even if you come through such dark places…

Know that each moment is truly a new beginning and the opportunity to create the new.

Okay love…

I’m shooting the next video for you in the morning (got it all ready today) and it’s pretty juicy because it’s all mostly demonstration and nervous system work in action.

The title is called: 11 ways to self regulate if you’re stressed, triggered, overwhelmed, angry, hurting, anxious, numb, stuck, disconnected or feel unsafe…

Excited to share with you.

For now, I rest in the bathtub as I write this to you.

Today has been a difficult day for me…

I’ve been moving through very intense truths around no longer begging to be loved as I am.

I’ve had a severe headache and body aches all day and I’m not even sick with a cold or fever.

Yet it feels like purge.

It feels like a mega trauma release as I face deeper truth in my own bones and physical body and how I must take responsibility and progress forward.

Learning I can commit to people but not make up for their lack of commitment to me.

I can love people but not fill the hole of their lack of love for me.

That I can trust people, yet not ever in the place where I forget or doubt myself.

In fact, I’m feeling the only person I need to trust is myself right now.

And yet I can’t trust myself until I take accountability.

So today I cried.

I held my own heart and I held my own soul and body and wept for hours as Bella slept.

God is softening my heart even more and de-armoring me.

So many tears.

In this message I just want you to know that I’m not ever going to hide my ugly.

I’ll dance in the light. Dance when it’s dark.

And I am able to love you deeper as I fully learn to love myself.

And I’m sorry for everyone that I have ever hurt because I was scared and hurting myself….

I want to love by leading by example.

I remember when I was a little girl, I used to write these little folded-up notes to God and “fly” them out of my window…

I wanted to know God and know I was his (my Mother was not religious by any means).

Yet this was many of my prayers.

Even at just seven years old, I knew this.

That I would be able to lead this world through knowing love was the answer, yet not because I was ignoring my shadow.

I used to talk to adults and they would come to see me.

I would easily be able to share with them what was on their heart even when they said they didn’t know the answer.

I remember this one woman crying and hugging me, almost crushing me against her boobs and chest hysterical after we talked once.

I remember asking my Mom why some people were so surprised with the truth that they already knew inside them?

My Mom said, “don’t worry, just focus on you and trust what you see and feel… not everyone knows their own heart from their mind.”

That always stuck with me…

And yet, here I am. Fully grown with my own child.

And I feel so lost in some moments these days trusting my own sight and knowing sometimes.

I see the world in such a spell, divided, inverted, being harvested, and blind.

It makes me really sad.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be the example of love and to be able to show others how loved and cherished they are.

How magical they really are when they are willing to see their own.

Yet here I am with Bella’s father fighting the good fight, yet only after forgetting that I’m supposed to always first love and cherish me.

Even when others do not or cannot.

And it got me rolling on other things.

That my Mom is sick and she needs very serious surgery. Please pray for her.

That my young sister is debating an abortion over adoption and it f%%% breaks my heart.

I miss my family growing up. The way things used to be.

I miss the wholeness of family.

I miss never truly knowing my father yet always thinking one day I would.

I miss feeling really taken care of by someone who really loves me (like myself as a little girl).

And after all, I’ve been through the past 10 years…

It feels the closer I get to God, the more psychological and spiritual warfare I am to face in the physical world.

Yes, it’s all showing me “real” strength.

Real love.

And this means to own all of me standing here naked in front of you with my real (even just passing, momentary) feelings.

Yes, I feel sharing our “weight” with each other without the toxicity is a real gift.

Even owning my mother wounds in the darkest of nights as I let in my own love and hold me.

Learning to fully open in the dark.

I know it’s been hard.

Just know I am feeling you.

Please know I love you so much!

I pray God may hold the hearts of you and me.

May grace carry you and me through this moment.

Again and again.

As we begin anew.

I love you.

Crystal Aryana

Crystal Aryana

About Crystal Aryana


  • Daniel Krawczyk says:


    Your Title….
    Your New Beginning Starts Now

    You place that picture…
    With those words!
    We definitely are not connected then!

    Not to say I haven’t shared in some of the pain you described…
    It’s just that this post went a complete 180 compared to what I was expecting to read…
    Thus my laughter

    We all have our good days and our bad days
    The trick is awareness… see our ego for what it is… an illusion
    If we think this life is bad… my attempt online has been such a joke…
    If we think this is maya an illusion then the internet is surely the Matrix
    Going to unplug myself from that >curse word<

    You got a lot of good responses I see here
    So don't take this one so poorly
    If it hits on the wrong notes

    All the best
    Your Alias

    Kingly Regards
    Daniel Krawczyk

  • Pamela Cooper says:

    Thank you I had no idea that you read what I wrote

  • Christopher Spangle says:

    You were with me as I walked today. You can feel my heart as it aches. I fight back tears and my emotions as well. Turmoil is the best way to describe what I’m experiencing at the moment and I didn’t think I could stay the course. Though my travels are not over and the road has not ended. It’s good to know that I’m not alone and that it was you how I have been feeling. Thank you.

  • TDK says:

    Hi Crystal, you are suffering because you feel deeply. But your heart is good and wants to connect with others. Believe in your own goodness. Trust in your own honesty. Continue to look for the good in every situation. You are a good soul, trust in your own judgement. you will find the right way forward.

  • Nikki Kratchovil says:

    Damn girl. I don’t even know what to say. This resonates so much and strikes me right in my heart. It’s like you are my long lost sister. Thank you for being so open with your pain and so real.

  • Erin Rae says:

    I loooooove synchronicities, and they happen for me aaaaaall the time. I usually say something like “Hi Papa! Thank You for showing up for me!!!!!”

    You just shared MY story, my words, my heart, everything, all of it, and I’m not married or in a relationship and I don’t have a child. But you just shared my exact story, it’s insane.

    I’d pray to God on the potty as a little girl. I’d put a towel over my lap to be respectful lmao, but even at that age and in that situation…. I had no shame in my God game.

    Sometimes I think I was born with a broken heart. I just remember what I felt as a child and growing up. That little girl was riddled with pain and that baffles me.

    My God game today… Mind-blowing. I can go through sooooooome iiiiiiiiiish…. And I’ve had maaaaany days of on and off tears, from a heavy heart or pain or frustration, being overwhelmed…. I let it out today. My emotions are my teacher. I also take care of myself today when I need it. No one took care of the little 5 year old me, she never felt safe and she carried such an emotional pain that it still baffles me today. But I take care of that little girl today, because she deserved it then and never got it. Because she deserves it now. Because the greatest Father in the world taught me that I have every right to tend to her and heal her.

    I’ve felt so lost and alone so many times in life, and the people…. Where the eff where the people? Lmao Not a soul to be found in any of that darkness, spanning over decades now.

    The people weren’t there. It was just me and “The Man in the Moon”. Not ever once for any moment in my life was He not there. It’s aaaaaaalways been Him. The only thing I’ve ever known that’s never failed me. Never hurt me. Never left me.

    That is my most intimate relationship, and my most cherished. Everything could go up in literal flames tomorrow… And I’ll still have a joy and peace in me. Cause I know who’s got me, who’s always had me, thee ONE constant in my life, over aaaaaall these years. The One that matters (the most to me).

    I’m exhausted. I was silly and stayed up all night trying to make up for some time lost and some set backs. I was praying and journaling…. And giiiiiiiirl, as I was wrapping that up and ending it… Closed my laptop, it was/is time for sleep…. Within minutes I was reading your email and then blog post. Seeing my heart and words just spoken, through yours, and I just smiled. Because I have a glimpse of what you have in your spirituality and in your growth, and I just knew whatever is going on now…. Even with tears and pain, it’s ALL literally working in your favor even now.

    I have a younger sister as well. I got sober almost 6 years ago. My heart has broken maaaaany times in the last 5-6 years for her, with her, over her. I’m watching her go through the hell I am so glad to be so far from today, but it kills me just the same cause I begged God to save me from that and He did. I used to beg Him to get her sober. But that came with and implied too much fear, it was overwhelming. So instead of asking Him to save her, I changed it to thanking Him in advance for getting her sober whenever it happens, thanking Him for my sobriety, and thanking Him for equipping me with what she needs when she’s ready.

    I know everything is going to work out exactly as it is destined to for you both!!!! In your words I saw your close intimate relationship with yourself and your spirituality and there’s proof on that page and in your words that you tend to that garden even in the roughest of storms or darkest of times. THAT is your super power. You don’t need anything else. How cool is that?!?!?!? Youv already won this battle, and any others yet to come. Time to rest and let the heavy stuff go. It’s already won and it always will be. There is nothing for you to do or worry about!!!!

    You have magic!!!!! How lucky and blessed are you!?!?!?!

  • Angie+F says:

    Wow. Crystal. Amazing. I feel you and I hear you. You’re so brave and beautiful. That picture- was me. I’m not a person who cries but have felt quite emotional/ teary these last 5 weeks. Keep praying sweet soul. All will be well and blessings to your mother.

  • Frances Mitchell says:

    WOW! That was like looking at myself. That helped me see myself and to see you. It’s like looking at my twin soul. Thanks so much for sharing.

  • Heidi says:

    Deeply honest and beautiful reflections. Your insights always seem to resonate with me in some way; an emotional ah-ha. Bringing to light something I am feeling but haven’t yet brought to light/consciousness. Today I realized just how much I also miss being really cared for by someone who really loves me (like my mom who is no longer here) and this realization made me cry (this was good).

    • Pamela Cooper says:

      Our lives are parallel so often it cant be an an accident
      You can put into words what I never been able to explain to people so they would understand
      Thank you for helping me to not feel like im the only one and im going to be ok

  • Rebecca Campbell says:

    That was deep and perfect. I think right now just so many people are aching for a love that really fulfills them, even me as i am dealing with my twin flame, one sided of course and my heart aches.

  • Deborah Berryman says:

    Thank you, Crystal.
    I, too, hold you in my love with myself & my truth. The full Cancer moon did shine a pure light of emotions with love shared with the undeserving while I struggled to make that square peg fit into the round hole that was never meant to be a fit as I struggled to force a committed forever after that was never meant to exist. There is release & true terror that I am beginning to prepare myself to face & while I may not be quite ready yet I know I never really will be “ready” yet I stand with eyes wide open, this time, It’s not a battle that must be won, all or nothing, but a battle that must be faced. It is truly time to see & be seen in reality, Both past & present.
    Your soul soul reaches out to all the lives you touch in every way. It frightens & calms with equal power.
    Thank you

  • TC says:

    Thank you SO much for your beautiful words, you have no idea how much they have helped me to hang on through all the pain and darkness. I know exactly how it feels to go through the hardest things possible, but you are showing such love and strength that it inspires me and opens up my heart again

  • Honey crystal Aryana really very happy and sad of your situation, and feeling your sadness. God bless you and take care of you and all of us. ❤

  • “that which is flesh is flesh and that which is spirit is spirit” as you know my friend. Take the good of all things as you are. The past brought us to the “now” and the “now” is the potential of the future, therefore, the now is both the past and the future. I love your prayer airplanes, I wrote songs and letters to God/Goddess starting at age 8, when I turned 14, I tore them up, (three boxes full) and through them in the Hudson River and asked God/Goddess to let them flow in the water to the world. Let there be LOVE to you and your child forever!

  • Alia says:

    Thank you so much for being so forthcoming. I am also going through a difficult period in my life. The choices made previously are difficult if not seemingly impossible to rectify. Without going into tedious detail they pertain to financial, familial and closest to my heart, romantic. Thank you again for your heartfelt sharing

  • Natalia says:

    Thank you for sharing what’s going on in your heart and your great love and feelings. Please accept my support.

    • Rufaro says:

      You story really touched my heart and made me emotional. I want you to know that I love you too and that you are enough and special. No one can take away that from you. I pray that your mother recovers and that your sister makes the best decision for herself
      God loves you. You are not alone.

  • Teremoana says:

    I hear you. I love you.

  • Teressa says:

    Prayers your way beautiful !

  • Anne says:

    Three little words that mean so very much to each and everyone of us. I love you when you say those words and all I want is for you to love you, be happy and as they say in the classics, “ today is the first day of the rest of your life”. What you’re going through is a purging of the past and the beginning of renewal/rebirth and believe me, the feeling is thoroughly exhilarating, at times getting out of your own physical body to experience the spiritual.

    Love you and Bella. Be positive that things are only on the up from here. I will pray for your Mom and your sister and light a candle. God be with you beautiful soul.❤️

  • Anecia says:

    Much Thanks for sharing your perspective……these days are dark at best and we need to acknowledge the light within us and the importance of sharing it with others but it takes great courage determination and endurance…..thanks for sharing your light with me today…

  • Danne says:

    Thank you so much in what you do…Wishing you and your family healing from God up above in the Mighty Name of Jesus…Again thank you!
    I love you,

  • Brenda Dempster says:

    Know idea what made me stop by and read your e-mail… prob because I read, “Hi lovely sou” l before I even opened it!!! that got my attention. Soo sorry your goin thru a great deal of “stuff” right now. With your faith I have no doubt you will receive all the help love and guidance from who or what you believe in. You sure are getting a lot of love from everyone here. I wish you peace love and happiness.

  • Rachel says:

    Your transparency and words not only struck a chord with me, it felt like you were actually speaking my truth and some of my exact experiences growing up and how I felt and feel. I am not trying to over connect here or have any kind of emotional entanglement.. but I finally needed to reach out to you and let you know I am standing with you. I am holding space for you too. And definitely prayers for your sister and mother…and of course you and Bella. And your ex….as I understand this painful dynamic all to well…and these past two and a half years I have been in the fight of my life….for my and my daughters soul. Spiritual warfare and recovering and leaving narcissistic abuse is no joke.
    I find your wisdom and self awareness and just downright rawness to be so refreshing ( too funny…..I also call it ” the ugly” ). Thank you for being the beautiful you you are.

    From one empath and ever evolving woman to another..
    Sending you so much ❤️.

  • Jessica says:

    Hi there love,
    You are not alone, we are walking the same path, except my baby will be turning 18. You have my full support in everything, I know this isn’t an easy road to go alone. I wonder if this is a generational “thing”, I was born in the 80s. Almost too much of more than “just a coincidence” to all that is happening. Please know, I am praying for both your mom and sister. Trying to raise my energies and send them your way. I am here if you need anything, mom to mom, friend to friend, empath to empath sending love and positive energy.

  • Yolanda says:

    Oh Wowww! This today!! First..Thank you! I love you also! ❤️ As much as I love astrology (Scorpio) I don’t usually read a lot of my emails..but TODAY.. Spirit said “read” and so I did! As I read each word ..all I saw was “ME” being read to mySELF! ALL of this has been and is my life! Today is my new beginning! I AM READY FOR CHANGE! My deepest desire is to Love.. I AM Love! Ohh! And when you wrote about being able to stand naked in your truth of emotions (or to that nature) but about two years ago God and I were having a discussion about different subjects and the subject of the scriptures that says “God is a Spirit and those who worship Him worship Him in Truth”.. so God said to me .”People have finally come to terms with the fact that I am Spirit…but it’s the “in Truth” part that you’re missing… You think I am speaking of MY truth…and I’m not… it’s YOUR truth that you have to be willing to walk/stand in YOUR truth…THAT is worship.” So yeah …that hit home with me… Again .. I love you too and thank you!

  • Diane says:

    Thank you for allowing yourself to being so vulnerable . I look forward to reading your emails ., they resonate w my soul. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, working thru childhood trauma, just a lot of change. So your emails encourage me to keep going forward and continue to heal, so thank you dear lady from the depths of my ❤

  • kim tartaro says:

    Thank you

  • Stacy says:

    I love you too sister… ❤ And each message you write just confirms what I knew when I first read your words… We are so similar and our souls are connected in some way. You have helped me know that I’m not alone with all of this. God is benevolent and His ways so miraculous! I am praying for you and your mother and I know He hears us. I look forward to connecting with you when the time is right. Until then, know I am sending you and Bella love and peace. ❤

  • N. Steven Williams says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. May God provide the strength to endure the adversity you are experiencing, bless you both.

  • Theresa says:

    Thank you Aryana for your insightful thoughts, feelings and accountabilities and I love you too. I have been getting your emails for about a year now and over time it has begun to stir emotions in me that I thought were dormant for the last four years. i am one of those that is “stuck” in life not just because of what’s going on with Covid but not knowing what my purpose in life is now that I am a party of one. I use to view obstacles as “challenges and opportunities” but finding my way back to who I really am is daunting and unsettling. Change is hard after you have been conditioned to be and act a certain way most of your young life only to find out as we get older, it’s not about being what others want us to be but being true to our own self and thankful to our Divine Source and the Universe. I will continue to follow you, your life in hope that your words continue to help me find who I am. I will your mother in my prayers for a successful surgery. On a side note, I am facing surgery in two weeks so I welcome all prayers. God bless us all…”if He leads us to it, He’ll see us through it”.

  • thanks for all the things you send I read them all your well beyond your age in your talents and these gifts are truly amazing keep up the fantastic work you do and know your getting across to many so its all good! Kevin B Palmer Cold Lake AB Canada!

  • brent lynn wanner says:

    thanks so mutch amen

  • Victoria McBride says:

    Hi Love,
    I Love you too, and I Love that you always start your articles out with those words. For the many people in this world who don’t get to hear those three simple words often enough. They are a breath of fresh air in a world so pollution. I Love reading your articles because they are so “Real” and very relatable. I think I cry every time I read one. Your such a beautiful soul inside and out and I Love your eyes. I have this thing about eyes. I’m so sorry for all the s*** your going on around you. I definitely will pray for your mom and your sister and for you and your daughter and your whole family. There is definitely a destructive toxic malevolent vibe going on right now on our planet and it just awful to see and feel. But I wanted to express my gratitude to you for being brave enough to speak your truth and continue to put out helpful and encouraging content that we all need to hear in one way or another. I personally can’t wait to see 11 ways to self regulate. The lord knows I need to relax and focus on me and my home and how to get out of this funk i’ve been in for the last 3 years Anyways I wanted to say keep up the good work and I look forward to your up and coming work.

    Much Love and light ×3
    Victoria McBride

  • Ingrid Montalvo says:

    Hi Crystal, and thank you for sharing your story, reading your story truly touched me. You sharing your story makes me want to write about my story. Sending you and your family so much love. Thank you for you. <3

  • Odri says:

    Thank you ❤

  • David says:

    I will make sure to pray for you! Last year I went through a very difficult time and hated most of it but what I didn’t realize was how strong it was making me. I learned how to love myself even when I felt that nobody else did. I learned that I needed no other reason in the world to value myself but me, I am enough. Enough of a reason to keep living and more than that, striving. I pray that you find your strength as I found mine and know than when you aren’t strong enough God is! We may not believe the a same beliefs but our creator must all be the same creator fir we are all alike. Lean on his mercy when your strength isn’t enough. Allow yourself to keep loving even through the pain for we can’t fight hate but with love. You are in my prayers.

  • Kim hoover says:

    Wow this is so precious and so deep I felt all of ur words reminded me of how I feel some times when I’m in a dark place usually triggered by past abuse and trauma from the past thank u

  • Mo says:

    You are an Amazing Woman!!! Never doubt your worth your gifts are a Blessing to all!!
    You are never alone we (your tribe) place you in our Hearts.

  • Valrie Lee says:

    Thank you so much, I feel your are in touch with the Energy i am struggling with. May Divine Source continue to keep you and your Family in his Care.
    Much Love.

  • sean says:

    You truly are a beautiful soul

  • Teresa says:

    Dear Crystal,
    Hugs to you as you make your way through the pain to a lighter day. Remember that the steel of a sword is strengthen through fire and water. Both are necessary to bring the strength and the edge.
    Love to you as you grow. Thank you for sharing so much with the world.

  • Jamal says:

    Thank you crystal for your email I really appreciate it in I’m hoping you’re mother gets better I’m ready for better days to cause your letter get to me I sinking in every words you say I pray one of these days it will be Excitement in stead of hurting

  • Shane says:

    Wow that was so beautiful to my heart truly,I feel your pain as I feel mine my sadness I feel I felt your,I to feel the tears run down my face saddened from those who haven’t got the amount of love we give.i feel your love and only if we could hold one another ow hearts would lock and happiness would truly begin with never ending love for each other’s life I love you and if ever we was to meet the love we have the energy of that would be just magical for this life and so many more after it.

  • Judith says:

    Hang in there, this too shall pass. I went through all this last year. What is waiting around the corner is more beautiful then you can ever imagine. Hugs and light to you.

  • Rab L says:

    Aye …. dear one , my bestest of best wishes to yourself and your wee one this day , later in front of my Log fire I will light
    a blue and a white candle for you both , and say “words” over them for your health , peace of mind and healing ,
    So Mote It Be xx

  • Cathy says:

    Sending you good vibes. In times such as these when we are drained, retreating inside seems best…. I always remind myself….you cannot change other people….you can only change yourself. And with that….I do not allow what others say/do to affect me, because they can’t control me, nor I them. Hang in there.

  • Cheril Goodrichg says:

    Thanks for your emails.
    Was wondering if the Cancer full moon would stir my mind enough to lead me onto a new direction. Well, it is not a new direction, but it was a shift. Did not occur until this morning. As with all truth, it dawns in the mind. Not anything you can make happen.
    So today I understand, hopefully, my purpose. Although I have believed I understood it before, today is like it is all summed up, so will see where it goes.
    Mind Training and cultivating a miracle mindset. Also, Living Frequencies that help untangle the fear based judgments and shadow trauma that we learned in the past. I have been working with the Living Frequencies for many years, and have attempted to understand why I was given the information that was provided so many years ago, well, it has finally come together, I do believe. I have tried so many different paths before believing that I was doing the right thing, but as it turned out, it was part of the journey.
    So, I am going to begin again. Not the journey, but how I present the information.
    If you would like me to send you a free frequency, let me know. It is best if I can get specific, but can send you one that will protect you while you rest, as our unconscious mind is open and available to dark energy when we are not consciously aware. Let me know if you are interested. Would like to have some feedback. I use them all of the time, and I can tell the when I use them and when I do not.
    Living Frequencies help us tune into what we are attempting to ignore. Mostly we believe that if we ignore what we do not want, it will go away, but the mind never forgets anything. Miracles work at the 4D level of reality, where our thoughts of fear and trauma reside. The way to undo this is with miracles that work in the present. By learning to exchange the past for the present in time, it is possible to change our future. Instead of being stuck in the past, we can move into the Now, which is where a miracle mindset takes us. Miracles also place us under the protection of Higher Living Laws. These are Laws that do not obey the paper laws that we have learned in the past. Living Laws also protect our Living Rights. Something that is impossible for paper laws and paper justice to uphold.
    Anyways, wanted to offer you something, as you have offered me much. Let me know and I will be happy to send you some frequency protection.

    • Very informative, I learned from your response. However, when we are sleeping, we also get robbed of our faith and creativity by the fallen Angels. The protection frequency is what is a mind appeal. Thanks

  • Renee says:

    ❤️ This post resonated so much with me . The picture OMG, we are psychically connected! I look forward to your posts and love your spirit!

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