What Happens When We Stop “Leaving” Ourselves…

Reaching Up

Good Evening or Morning lovely soul…

I wrote this message a couple years ago but I feel it’s more potent and alive than ever, in a way…

I also added some extra depth to it around healing the Mother wound as this coherence and awareness within is the greatest force inside you (Eros energy) that could ever possibly exist for you to “create” anything from…

So here’s a reflection today of what happens when we stop “leaving” ourselves…

When we stop abandoning our own nervous system, our own truth just as it is and our own being and body.

I hope it resonates for you and even maybe helps open up something new for you, too…

We all know it’s a time of finding a new way forward from here as you come back home to YOU and as your divine path opens up more for you…

Because if you knew good things were coming to you, you more than likely wouldn’t struggle or grasp or push so hard or hold onto anything that isn’t exactly right or even resist (feeling) or facing the TRUTH on anything…

Even when we’re at fault, make mistakes, collapse, judge, pain, shame or “look down on” ourselves we can also still leave some space knowing these moments are ALSO magical “portal” passages to our own lost treasures within…

They are also the keys to our own deepest fulfillment and INNER Power…

That is, when we stop chasing the external, labeling, identifying, making meanings, bypassing, denying, fixing, canceling, “ridding”, etc.

When we no longer try to make the past, the experience (as the potent charge, it IS) or even the present moment, JUST as it is, wrong.

When you or I exist WITH what is…

We are able to open up our entire world.

We open up the healing portal and “passage” leading us back home…

Where Intelligent information is then available…

The “present” is able to be fully opened and seen when dropping out of the mind owning every “part” in our body…

Even the pain, even the trauma, even the “shadow” is meant to be made art from, within our being and body…

This is the Mystery and it holds incredible untapped creativity, capacity, nuance and power within you.

It is how you stop ‘doing’ life and allow life to “be all of YOU” as you open up your capacity to grow and CREATE new life through you…


I know you can feel this even if these words seem foreign…

And you can trust yourself. Allow the mystery to unfold.

You can trust allowing this new relationship with YOU and let this magic IN a bit deeper…

As you walk through (aka “death” of the old) the fires of your own inner authority… fully birthing new life from ALL of it… from ALL of you.

Choosing you, choosing love, and letting “new life” and love IN.

Maybe this looks like giving yourself permission to self-soothe in your own intimacy and presence as you hold yourself in moments of “mess.”

I know even in the dark, you can stand, having your own back and turn on your light.

Not the fake false positivity.

But the “real work” calling you to look and accept and create from it…

Even remembering and reclaiming what you know at your core and that you’ve spent lifetimes being and doing…

It is time to remember YOU, now…

You have permission to recognize this, even when you’re in the middle of “collapse” as you learn to not make “what is” wrong…

Yet discover what “medicine you really need” to drink and what you need to be with and own as you go deeper into the root of remembering YOU.


Everything in life is how you respond.

Your accountability and sovereignty is where your power lives… of course you’ve probably heard me or others say this…

How you relate to yourself is how you see all of life.

And how all of life sees you.

And your response to all of it holds the keys of your own magic (breaking those spells!!!).

Your energy, attention, and body’s biofield (nervous system) is your sacred bridge, even in the breakdown, the feeling lost, the aloneness and in the trigger — all through your response-ability.


So even what you think makes you weak isn’t necessary to label it.

Perhaps it is just as it is, this portal… this EXACT charge… this initiation… is actually the key to your truest love, union within, happiness, and even ecstasy?

The kind of magnetism that oozes from all these layers as you remember YOU and choose you.

Your right relationship with you!

And I trust you’re seeing it … you no longer need the old ways… the “safe routes,” the crutches of old thinking, soul or family ties not honoring, or even the pleasing trauma bonds keeping you distracted or keeping you relooping the same patterns that are not for your highest good — that aren’t authentic YET at the same time May also help offer you the way home, if you don’t run.

When you face it …

When you pivot and turn within and allow yourself to SEE what you weren’t seeing = you return home.

You can move from “dang I feel entirely alone in this” to “Dang I Am In The Next Level Of My Full Capacity of Being Alone.”

Yes… there is IMMENSE pain, hardship, deaths and rebirths that take place when we break patterns.

You are breaking ancestral patterns of “doing what everyone else before you has done.”

And you can show up in the mess even when it’s messy, knowing there is deep appreciation and love here, too!

You can choose YOU.

You can stand up for yourself even with those you call “family” remembering that anyone who is unhealthy with you, judges you, condemns you, or shames you… and you can deliberately not interact or engage with them.

Even those who say they are helping or trying to support you — if it’s rooted in persecution or “not love” you can trust you don’t need it in your life.

You can trust in your bones what you feel and know and you came here in this lifetime to draw the line and say “no more”… I choose raw love, radical honesty and responsibility.

“I choose to drink my own medicine within.”

You can choose relationships that require reciprocal energy exchange: physically, emotionally, spiritually and energetically.

You can choose what meets you where you are, within yourself when YOU + YOU meets you!


If it… or they… can’t meet you with actual love and integrity, appreciation and respect — you can choose to not meet, at all.

You are allowed to have your boundaries. To trust yourself. To know your voice even if others don’t get it.

This actually reminds me…

As we heal our own Mother wounds we may slowly begin to see that “having our own back and turning on the light within, when it’s dark” is actually a deep invitation from the Great Mother…

Whether we knew this as a reference point from our own blood Mother or not, does not ultimately matter.

This is the “work” also.

The Great Mother is what we initiate and what wants to find you when we have abandoned ourselves in any way!

It’s the real “charge” asking to come through.

And she arrives in the deepest places within our own knowing when we finally allow our own body to receive…

When we allow ourselves to surrender to our own heart and being.

Fully Naked to every shadow within our sphere, our associations, our insides, our life.

Mother energy shows up as the Eros calling us in how to remember, how to nurture ourselves, how to create from our truth, in this lifetime…

Showing us how to step INTO our self-inflicted shadows, our past choices, labels, or those who have hurt or inflicted upon us, not from a place of disempowerment and victim, yet from the place of being free and able to love our own “child and children within.”

Like a child who fell down, we pick “her” or “him” up and hold and nurture (not coddle).

Where we cry when it’s dark and we are scared, we surround it with our devotion and we turn on the light.

I have abandoned myself in various ways and I have abandoned others.

They are the same.

I have stayed in relationships too long.

I have had a hard time saying NO when it pleases another. I have been cheated on. I have not had my voice heard or my being met.

There are times in my life I have undernourished my body. I have overworked my body. I have kept myself running on fumes. I’ve given until I was a bleeding heart… a big leaky container.

I have also abandoned partners and friends through my own chaos. I have cheated. I have turned away.

I’ve bypassed and said “it’s okay” when it’s NOT. I have closed my heart to my true desires.

AND I am still learning how to trust.

I believe we abandon ourselves and others so that we are able to arrive at the doorstep of the Great Mystery…

Back to zero point. The heart field.

Not arriving perfect, unscathed, or with a crown and jewels on so to say…

Yet, being willing, able, and ready in surrender for so much more than we ever knew was possible.

Showing up raw.


Alive and connected, once again.

I am slowly recognizing these days that every shadow of self-abandonment I have ever walked through has brought me to the great humbled spirit of The Mother…

The Mother who has always been within me, even when I never knew her or met her at all. 😭🥳

The Great Mother that lives inside us all and is connected to all “living in the field.”

She’s the one who can only be revealed because I have said YES to choosing myself in the way that pours out (including to others) so organically… so richly.

So in this, I see any teacher in my life as having walked through the fire of shadows and their own self-trust fully engaged (alive) in their own body to be able to really listen, receive, support, heal, share with others in a way that really “moves” and impacts.

I don’t buy any part of any “healer” that comes claiming their capability if I have not felt or heard their own naked arrival to the Great Mother and this crazy mystery.

She is here within you waiting for you to go deep enough so you can restore not only your shadows into gifts but also to hollow you out so you CAN embody the practice and presence of any part of yourself that has been forgotten, fractured, or abandoned.

This is what “clean feminine energy” is… not all tied up in chasing the external, the love, the ring, the “stuff”, the attachment or the approval of others.

I believe the Great Mother is here only as a “way-shower” to allow us to see we are her and she is us.

She IS the field and the field is US.


You are sooo deeply loved.

I love you,

Crystal Aryana

Crystal Aryana

About Crystal Aryana


  • Sergio says:

    Hi Crystal,

    I saw your recent picture on Facebook. I know that you are going through alot and I wanted you to know that I am sending you my positive thoughts and yes, sometimes we feel like crying for a year about what we lost. Just know that you are loved and supported. Like you said, we need to show up for ourselves now more than ever, and the world needs us to show up for it as our true selves so we can make our world a better place to live in. Sending you and Isabella a lot of love.


  • wasret says:

    God’s tears for the lost children

    cry for the truth

  • wasret says:

    God’s tears for the lost children

  • Tim Kelly says:

    Zero point. Having embraced my shadow self. Even allowing THAT ME to lead for a while. Chaos is but an order that doesn’t please. Removing the lenses of social control where my choice is based on what I think others think of what I’m thinking I am free to be me.

    And so liberated, my thoughts now free I find myself fully living each moment. My intellect, My intuition, My life experience, My beliefs, My ancestral knowledge drawn from DNA scrolls, My energy, all uniting in that moment of decision. That moment of true freedom when I alone choose my actions, I choose self, self love, how I will love others, and the world.

    No longer allowing labels like pain, lonesome, and hurt or emotions like fear, anger, and need to drive my existence. Instead, inquiring deeper below their surface, below their sirens of emergency, to the truths that lie within. Fear’s message to run, to recoil, to act immediately is observed, experienced and I ask fear how can I help. Hurt’s message that I should not feel this way, I should wallow in sadness and misery hides the simple truth of why I hurt, what is the cause, what do I control.

    The message here is that as we follow our divine path we must grow along the way. We must change. With change come pain and with pain comes growth. As our energy levels up some beliefs and some of our current knowing must go. They must make way for the new. As they go and before the new is in place we feel pain, chaos, fear,sadness. We feel so alone. Our center, all that we knew is falling away.

    But, it is not the labels. Not the emotions or swirling sense of dread. . It is the truths that lie within. Imagine how a snake must feel as it slowly sheds its skin. Happily receive the good news. You are growing. You are leveling up. Your energy, your spirit, your soul, and yes your power will soon burn brighter than ever before. Another level of the perfection the universe offers you and a new level of power you give the universe.

    Thank you for the thought provoking sentiments dear sister Crystal Aryana.
    Tim (ariescubed) Kelly

  • Debra presnell says:

    Wow, again I have reread this so many times n I feel like you wrote this for me!! I am there in those words n I’m wanting to push forward for myself, grow n learn! I guess I can say I lost myself years ago n now I’m trying to fine the real me ! I’m eater to see where I go next.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart…


    Thanks a million Aryana the massage gives a lot of sense and definitely it educated mi over all with love light clarity so inspired inspiration insides may GOD bless you and all of us abundantly in all aspects how ISABELLA DOING GREAT RIGHT ✅

  • Miyen Wu says:

    Thanks for sharing! Beautiful words, and synchronicity message as well! Happy Holidays! Namaste!

  • Honey crystal Aryana, i like the messages and understand your heart pains between your lines. For all of us guided by Almighty God. Without gods grace nothing happen in this meterial lovers world. Thank you take care yourself and small Isabella.

  • Ellen M Riley says:

    Crystal, thank you for sharing your personal journey and daily struggles. They are so similar to my own that it gives me goosebumps. Never give up the real you for a fake you just to please others. This is not healthy for your emotional, psychological, and physical self. I know and have been doing this repeatedly for decades, until I only have a pile of old, wrinkly thoughts and feelings left. I haven’t given up the ship yet. This new year is going to be the transformed new me.
    Namaste sweet soul!

    • Kathryn says:

      I feel exactly the same. This has been going on all of my 75 years on this earth . Now my husband of 50 yrs. Has passed like over 3 years ago and I am alone. I have tried dating and they all just seem to think that I am on this earth just to please them l can’t do it anymore
      I want to be able to be loved for being me

  • Tuki says:

    You rock Crystal.. ” Only Learning exist”
    You are so interesting..
    Give Bella a high five

    Stay Beautiful Crystal.
    N.B.L ❤

  • Mignonnette says:

    ThAnkh you Crystal. What a ‘BE YOU TO I FULL’ (beautiful) ‘rock crystal’ you are. My I AM Presence is seeing yours and I know we are ‘soul sisters’. Daughters of the Great Mother. Her LOVING INTELLIGENCE and the INTELLIGENT LOVE of the Great Father helped me to heal, transmute and transform the old programs in me, the transgenerational heritage of traumas of 12 wombmen. I am number 13 in so many ways and I AM the first one who is completely okay with that. I AM consciously choosing to depend only on the LOVE, WISDOM and STRENGTH of my GREAT MOTHER and GREAT FATHER with whom I AM ONE(NESS). So I AM loving, accepting, owning, validating and cherishing my being ‘AL-ONE’. Namaste beloved

  • Linda Page says:

    Thank you for sharing I appreciate it so much. You are wonderful soul. Reading this tonight taught me not to forget me.i to have been a lot and at some I lost myself. I found myself again and now I take it one day at a time
    But I still struggle with my reality. But I know that I will make it. Ty again God bless you

  • WE ARE IN THE SAME WORLD. WE ARE WITH THE WORDS. WE ARE DOING THE WORKS. WE ARE WITH THE ONE. However, my Father is Energy (I am Male) and my Mother is Time (you are female). Honor Them they are the REAL Parents. Your message is clearly from the HEART of sacrifice, of the self, to the offerings of truth to all of the self-sacrifice for others to open the gates of forming a body of words/works for the future of spirituality/reality/individuality. Though, I am homeless on EARTH, with my granddaughter, I am in a SPIRIT mansion of truth with YOU+WE. My body is my temple, and my mind is the tree of firmament and WE are bonded by the invisible and separated by the physical. LOVE is SHINING from you, and I hope My LOVE Shines on YOU. Eternally-Now.

  • Linnet says:

    Thanks for sharing your raw journey. There is an old saying “ We come into this world alone, we depart this world alone. “
    To me there is a difference in being lonely and alone.
    If we are lonely we attract the wrong people. If we are alone , it is a very powerful place to be present .

  • Kimber says:

    Thank you for SHARING your struggles and experiences and being open with us. it is inspiring and encouraging. It is authentic and I can relate, being strong takes courage and persistence in reaching that place of peace and rest with the “self” that we long for and strive to be. It’s scary, but it will happen when we can actually see ourselves becoming and desire it so much that it consumes our “whole self” as you have wonderfully shared. Letting go of things that no longer serve us isn’t easy, but necessary to become the woman of love, for ourselves and others. Thank you for being a blessing

  • Ron says:

    Dearest, Crystal, it is so nice to see you “up and running” once more. I am sorry to hear of what you have lately been through, yet what you are saying and writing echoes a deep understanding of it all. As I try to absorb all of what you are saying, I seem to keep getting a repeat “nudge” from within to point you toward a book and person, ONENESS, as transcribed by Rasha, which may prove to help you and your wider audience at this time. When one looks at the dates and copyright on this work, the tendency is to dismiss it as “past”, but I find this work to be ever fresh and most timely. Normally, I will read a book, magazine article, or blog post once and move on without a repeat. However, with ONENESS, I am RE-reading it for the 4TH TIME, and each time I begin it and start to read, it is fully as if I am picking it up and reading it for the first time, all over again! I find that wherever I am in my life and experiences, ONENESS has the capability of explaining in very elegant language just what is going on NOW. I don’t quite understand the magic or the mystery, but ONENESS is ALWAYS current, and beyond that, it explains all the why’s and wherefore’s without any judgement at all, and also, how to navigate the current swirl of wilderness and maelstrom we all find ourselves in as we shift quite forcefully into the new energies you, too, describe so well. ONENESS may not be for everyone, you in particular, but please give it a try and be patient through a few early chapters. You will know very soon if it speaks to you. If you would like, Rasha also offers a much longer book which describes her personal journey that led up to transcribing ONENESS. I hope you and others will explore ONENESS as I am doing; if you are ready, so many answers to puzzling questions and daily drama’s will gradually open up to you. Your own personal revelations and journey have grabbed my attention from the beginning of your work. Please do not give up; the real Dawn is not far away. Fresh air is in the next breath!

  • Heidi says:

    Please, DON’T ever stop sharing….!! I feel all that you write, truely is the best healing medicine for all beings..May we ALL find peace… Be safe…Be well!!

  • Ty says:


    Thank You for sharing your words they were beautifully written and each word holds spiritual truth. From one beautiful soul to another I’m sending you love and light on your continued journey.♾ You got this☀️

  • Misty says:

    I can relate to everything you are saying. I feel your pain, i struggle to find myself in my new reality but I know I will make it through with strength and sheer will. Thank you for sharing a beautiful and meaningful experience. Bless you!

  • sean says:

    you truly are a beautiful soul

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