Oh my, I have missed you…
It’s been September since you have heard from me and I have been going through the darkest and most “unknowing” period of my life…
What an insane few weeks it has been on my end.
I’ve had the most incredible breakthrough of my life in the midst of one of the most intense and confronting soul-shadow-body purges I’ve ever experienced…
I’ve been pushing up against this one HARD.
So much resistance, but as of about 12 days ago, I’m finally in a place of surrender.
I had to leave my house 15 days ago with 20 minutes to grab everything I could get into my vehicle with my daughter Isabella.
And to top it off that same day we got our test results back of being positive for RSV and Covid that same day, like are you kidding me?
It’s been that kind of time for me.
In fact, since my mother came out to Colorado to visit me at the end of August confronting Bella’s father in person with how she saw he was treating me — my life has been very much a journey of what is a “BIG DISSOLVE” energy…
Dissolving everything that is standing in the way of my own union within and the Divine path now finally opening up in front of me (the past two weeks)…
Yes = in the body surrender.
We can only grow to the degree that we can accept the truth without running away.
And after we moved to our new house in late October, the intensity turned even more up and the dynamic I was in, got a lot more obvious and difficult.
Since August the messages kept repeating getting louder and louder.
Since I last wrote to you in Sept and through this past eclipse I have been intimately experiencing whatever is left standing in the way of my own union…
And I watched my life be literally LIT ON FIRE the more I stayed in it the way it was “trying to give more love” and it wasn’t working.
It has been a miracle…in ways, seeing my own projected trauma being reflected back ten-fold to show me what is still left unresolved (especially over Thanksgiving)…
I am seeing where I was still chasing the false (fallen) masculine energy within me and around me as the intensity of the dynamics I’ve been living in had the heat turned all the way up until I made the decision, said “no” and left with my daughter.
(I will not have anyone threaten me anymore or threaten to take my daughter away because I want to leave, something that kept me staying in an environment the past month that wasn’t for me.)
Since then, in my life, in the people who have shown up, in my path forward… it’s like the flood gates have finally opened.
It’s like the things I’ve been asking for start showing up unexpectedly, everything I needed —even a 2 million dollar house for us to quarantine in, for free!
The people I needed to meet, the breakthroughs and messages I needed.
My way forward. No longer being “stuck in between worlds.”
And the more I allow this Death…
The more I allowed this density in my physical body to surface and what was blocking me from my own truth, the more my Divine path that I’ve been praying for, began opening up right in front of me…
Yep it’s scary, but this surrender is so surreal. And began taking in what I saw happening in the collective and around me too.
In this, I’m feeling a major shift throughout all the feminine collectively (enough is enough) as she is learning more of what standing sovereign IN and trusting her own heart actually means, tangibly and physically.
Now keep in mind as I write this to you, I am also trusting and I know this is happening FOR me.
I trust, increasingly, that every single person in my life right now is playing their divine role perfectly even when it looks like threatening me, ghosting me, betrayal, attacks…
Or a form of heartache/heartbreak, unmet expectations, things “falling through,” incomplete communication…
Or even a rapid transformation that really no one understands completely as to how and why because it’s all happening so quickly and mysteriously…
All in all, through these darkest moments I am learning how to trust MYSELF on a completely different level, step by step.
I am learning more about this relationship with myself (and how this affects my daughter) above anything else…
And I am feeling “what is” SOLAR masculine energy on the ground instead of continuing to beg, plead or chase the love of a fallen (false) masculine.
Now I feel this across the collective too. Like I’ve felt this before…yet now I feel it’s “crunch time”…
Where the rubber meets the road landing in our own physical body.
Healing the mother and father wounds through tangible, physical, union within.
Clearing false (reptilian) masculine and/or getting out of false fallen masculine energetics by raising your own self-trust, heart, being, throne, and King within (which sets my feminine FREE and SOVEREIGN).
And this energy could play out differently for different people…
Family secrets surfacing and ways being stuck in the collapsing “old” world…
An old boss, business partner, family or even friendship not aligning anymore from a true or authentic place.
Maybe being free of a long-held church or organization that is not for you anymore…
All ways of feeling of being oppressed or not heard or authentically loved.
It’s all coming to the surface to face the truth and to be FREE.
I am in amazement as I watched my path open up the past two weeks the more I anchored in the truths I had been avoiding because I “didn’t want to leave” which was the truth for me.
Overall for us all, I feel it’s incredible what God is doing for us right now.
I am blown away at the level of intervention and divine support from the multiverse coming through us all.
I feel the BIGGEST part of all this is that it is G-d’s play and always has been.
This is literally better than Shakespeare… we came here to bring and BE the love of the very ages with all the Mystery and beauty and heartbreak that entails.
And no one knows the hours or the days or the ways that our Creator will move and work through us in this epic chance we have together.
We are blown on this breath with the greatest of art and love.
And I for one, am so here for this particular kind of fire.
So may we surrender and fully face what we see.
Like I said, I’ve been feeling HUGE dissolve energy…
Not just intimately yet collectively…
And this could look like a lot of different things for you…
Perhaps this BIG dissolve energy for you is also in some way, a calling back.
A calling back of…
No more compromising self for family… for others… for “love” as it’s not love.
A calling back of your distributed parts… lost treasures and self-trust coming back to you…
A returning home of maybe what has been held in larger shadows like family lineages…
Perhaps showing up as a NO.
No more “harvesting” energy.
A “return” of what was “taken…”
A return of what you gave away that was yours all along.
Perhaps a closing of chapters… full circle.
Declared endings of whatever you wish to end or declared fresh starts and new beginnings (yes it’s time to build the new, much more on this…)
All in all, I feel this is a reclamation.
“Reclaiming parts back to the whole.”
Maybe looking like Self-love for EVERY part of you, no matter what.
Maybe this looks like…
Forgiveness and ending self grudges, a rekindling of a relationship with SELF.
Or ending detrimental relationships and allowing death…
Allowing DEATH to show up and be seen… allowing death to exist in any form of what has come to an end.
For me, I feel a turbulent renouncement of all the commitments I’ve unconsciously made that keep me remaining small, voiceless, hidden, or divorced from my personal agency…
Anything that is stopping me or that keeps me separated from my voice, deepest soul authenticity, purpose, and flow.
Anything that keeps me from feeling VALID.
No longer chasing the support or love from those who don’t or can’t see me, or hear me.
I feel a massive clearing happening in all family units this past couple of months and during this eclipse series… especially OBLIGATIONS, unhealthy attachments or anything not truly heart-authentic which lead to co-dependent patterns.
(This feels massively connected and is a BIG part of the abusive Annunaki/Atlantis grids that have been purging but I’ll share this more another time…)
Overall, I am feeling an “uprighting of the light” and I am feeling like the karmic cycles of thousands of years FINALLY releasing their grip throughout the collective around me. (boundaries anyone?)
I am seeing so much around patriarchal systems, ideas, and ways of being like this completely falling on its face like never before… The secrets are coming out!
I am seeing imbalanced power and narcissism flip belly up and surface like I have never seen.
I’m witnessing so many who are in-the-trenches learning how to evolve their own narcissism through sovereignty as they meet real in-the-body feels with empathy…
All the feels.
The last couple of weeks and months have been a whirlwind of events.
Coming and going of so many friendships or intimate relationships. Letting go. New understanding.
Feeling your voice in the dark. Honoring your NO to access what is authentic and real.
“I’d rather be alone than living a life with people who make me feel like I am not enough.”
Feeling taller. Feeling sacred. Feeling ignited and activated for the New…
A new Earth is asking to be focused on now.
This energy is mad powerful…
Yes love, you know it. Please take care of yourself.
Sometimes we change so much that we can be unrecognizable even to ourselves.
Trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be in life and everything is working out for you.
The last piece of integration would be for you to finally Own It, darling.
That is when the “bridge” shows up and your new path forward shows itself.
Are you ready to exist alone or/and also share yourself in the truest and authentic ways?
Have you always known yourself to have certain passions that speak so deeply to your soul?
Do you have secret gifts that only those closest to you know of?
And are you ready to expose yourself as you know yourself?
Are you willing to face the thing you don’t want to face and set yourself free?
Are you willing to continuously face the dark as you make your way through the tunnel towards the light?
Yes, honoring your inner fires and honoring your body has never been so important.
Now more than any other time I’ve ever felt I feel collectively so much is happening “energetically on a physical level.”
Our physical bodies are wanting to release this stuck trauma and old energy more than ever — even as darker forces are working through some people to keep us down and our vibration low.
So build your fortress, protect your energy, and you build yourself at this time.
Take salt and baking soda baths daily. Move your body. Release stuck energies and raise your vibration through bodywork, through somatic practices, through dance.
Surround yourself in protective blue light, practice forming your 12-D shield (Lisa Renée’s work) very powerful and protective.
Clear out the clutter in your home and life and allow its death. Get massages and move those tissues and that fascia, light candles, use protective crystals, get energy clearings and healing touch, and spend as much time as you can in nature.
Speaking of which…
I posted a video the other day when I felt the darkest stuff coming up and wanting to come out of my body.
Sometimes the moment in need calls for trauma release from a deep body practice or it’s a call for timeline repair or quantum integration or soul retrieval from a more structured place…or just sitting within it all…
And other times, there’s no other deeper healing than just feeling and moving the energy as you physically surrender.
This moment you are about to watch in the video was one in which I was struggling deeply with what was wanting to come out of my body.
And what was showing up for me wasn’t just because of my own personal matters, but also over my biggest fears from the state of our world right now. (Frankly, I am terrified with how things are going in Australia, parts of Europe, SF, and NYC too.)
So what did I do?
I moved to the feelings and pain inside me. I made art.
(This is what I do usually by myself, not announcing it to anyone). Yet I feel it may be helpful for others to be able to witness me.
These are things I have not shared, but I’m going to start and I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me anymore.
And I’ll be revealing a lot more like this from here on my journey and next to yours…
“What I do in my darkest moments”
I love you very much, I’m not going anywhere.
Tarot Reading Daily
P.S. I was processing stuff on an emotional level very, very deeply.
Sometimes when I’m processing things so deep, it’s too deep for words – it’s too deep for me to fully feel it with words.
But by processing the info with my body, with free movement and dance, it helps me integrate it energetically.
It’s a much deeper truth, release and experience than processing it with words. Hopefully, that makes sense to you.
If you’ve never used dance and movement to process deep emotions before, this might be helpful for you as well.
Allow yourself to process “ugly stuff” through your body.
And allow yourself to be seen in your authenticity.
Sometimes being witnessed when releasing trauma is exactly what we need.
P.P.S. Just remember, no one gets to tell you what heals you.
You do what you need to do to process, to fully feel, and to heal. What heals you is no one else’s authority.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else on the planet thinks about your unique way of processing your pain and your wounds.
It’s your life. It’s your path. It’s your heart. It’s your soul.
Live it fully in your own unique way.